Shatter
by beatrice-waterworks
Summary: He tries to pretend it doesn't matter, but it makes him itch again, and the voices that whisper in his head get a little louder.)


"Shatter"

_Disclaimer : Characters belong to their respective owners, and obviously not me. _

_This was actually inspired by great video on Youtube created by LozzyLaaw about Loki. It's also helpful to listen to "…og lengra" during reading._

Loki always _feels_ that there is something different about him, that deep inside he doesn't belong. He's not like them, not strong, not a warrior. He doesn't even look like them. He is weak and pale, his hair is the colour of empty sky, and his eyes are poison.

It makes him itch, and he scratches his frail skin, until he bleeds. He's terrified for days, because his blood is freezing and he doesn't understand why. He asks his mother, but she doesn't know the answer either. (Or maybe she knows, but won't tell him. Maybe she knows that he is monster.) Loki ignores those faint whispers and concentrates on how grateful he is that he bleeds red, that he isn't complete freak.

(He repeats to himself that mother isn't afraid of him when she looks that way. He fails.)

He begins to hide in the shadows, because he doesn't want them to see how different he is. Shadows are safe. Shadows hide his imperfections. (They hide scratches as well.)

His brother (perfect, golden Thor, ideal future king, unlike Loki himself) starts his warrior training. Thor excels at sword fighting. He stops to come to practice after father praises and gifts Thor for his efforts, because when Loki shows what he learnt, he tells him to try harder. Father's – no, Odin's disappointment is written on his face, and Loki feels like failure for days after. Odin doesn't object when he learns that Loki stopped practice. (He tries to pretend it doesn't matter, but it makes him itch again, and the voices that whisper in his head get a little louder.)

He loves books, and spends most of the time in the library (and isn't that another thing about him that makes him so different?). He discovers magic and spends a lot of time with mother; she teaches him all she knows about magic.

Thor makes friends during his training and they often come to play. He avoids them after they say that magic is for girls, and that he is coward. Loki doesn't like them very much, but he knows that Thor cares for their companionship. Despite everything, he can't refuse his brother. (Don't they have the same blood running through their veins?)

Instead he hides scratches on his arms from them, pretending to be cold. Strangely enough, he never is. He doesn't mention whispers either. They think him strange enough.

He doesn't make any friends himself. He doesn't trust anyone, because (they will hurt him) they don't trust him. Why should he give away something so precious to undeserving ones?

They call him Trickster, but it's not his fault. True, he sometimes pranks others, but it's all for good fun. Besides, why shouldn't he be bad, if they think he is? (If he can't change their opinions about him, then he will be what they think he is.)

He hates Thor just as much as he loves him, for he is as foolish as he is kind, and he is Loki's opposite in every way. He cherishes every moment spent in the company of his brother, and his brother alone. He will never feel comfortable around Volstagg, Fandral, Hogun and Sif. Especially Sif, and her hateful glares when nobody sees,( that speak just how much he doesn't belong). She makes whispers hard to ignore, so he cuts off her hair.

Thor often goes with his friends to make name for himself and for glory. He comes with him, to make sure he is safe – Thor is firstborn, and Loki doesn't want to be king in case anything happens to him. He saves him often, and when they return, Thor and his friends – Warrior Three and Lady Sif are praised for days. He stays in the shadows. (Isn't that his place after all?)

Time passes and Thor soon enough will be king. When everyone showers his brother with praise, he runs away. It's not that he has no way with words – he is Silvertongue after all, he just feels better in the shadows. (He also grows tired of hiding his scratches, and the way everyone feels alien to him.)

His heart breaks a little more when he notices how distant Odin – his father is. (He tries to avoid the way in which he looks at him sometimes – cold and calculating, like he is only a relic, or a monster.)

Alone in his chambers he traces veins on his wrists and tries to imagine how his heart would look if he opened his chest (would it be different in a way? Does he even have heart?) and it makes him scream, scream, scream, because the whispers won't stop and _he doesn't belong_, and question why, why is he so different breaks his mind a little more every time it happens

And

He

Scratches

Itch

Inside

His

Body

But

It

Doesn't

Stop.

Time passes and another "Loki, no" makes him shatter.


End file.
